My problems at the moment

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote. Much have happened since then starting from Monday. I really wanted to write at the beginning of the week, but I don’t remember what had prevented me from doing so.

After school, I was going home with my sister and her friend and I overheard her saying that I looked older than my sister (I’m the younger one by the way). It got me a little pissed, because… well, no one wants to look older than what they really are. So we were walking on the sidewalk and I walked a little faster than they were, just to get some gap between us. All of a sudden, they started shrieking and playing around and they grabbed my arm and yanked me aside. I got angrier, so I picked up a snow ball and I was about to hit her friend with it, though I didn’t. She thought I did, so she threw some snow on me. I got even pissed off so as they ran off I threw the snowball at them.

Suddenly, this old man turned around and it hit him right on the face.

I got so scared! I felt so guilty and I heard my sister and her friend laughing their heads off behind him. I rushed up to him and I apologized a couple of times. He wasn’t mad or anything… he just looked dazed and maybe startled. I felt so guilty I was about to cry. I mean, it was the first time I’ve picked up snow and attempted to throw it on someone, and I had to miss. And in all of the places I could miss, I had to miss so that it hit him on the face! Goodness…

So, now that I got that out of my system, yesterday was the last day of school before the holidays. My sister, just like every single year, packed up all of the gifts she had for her friends and had given them throughout the day. In return she received equal amounts of gifts from them.

Was it my fault that all of my friends from last year had to go to different schools? It’s so unfair. Last year in Grade 9, I received gifts from my friends too… it was the first and last time so far. This year I gave out chocolate and cards to the new friends I made, but got nothing in return. I’m not saying that I should have received something, but sometimes it’s just nice to know that you have gifts too. I felt even worse when my sister asked me how much gifts I had and I said ‘nothing’.

That’s not even the bottom of the bottle. My Mom called last night and asked me the same question, ‘did you receive anything?’ And I said no, not even a card. She said that was okay and that I would get to open the gifts she received from work. It’s so unfair that my Mom would get something from work ,and me, nothing from school! And what I hate even more is that she feels sorry for me! She feels too sorry for me. How does she think I would feel knowing that the gifts I was opening wasn’t even supposed to be mine, and that they were pity gifts? It’s unfair! I know that she was just trying to help, but I don’t want it!

This next problem doesn’t involve Christmas at all. It’s been four months since the start of school and I still haven’t had any friends to hang out with everyday during lunch. I have to hang out with my sister and her friends. It’s so embarrassing; I’m so ashamed of myself. It makes me feel like I’m some kind of weirdo who is having social problems or something. Okay, maybe this can count as a social crisis! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not sure if I am making enough effort to make friends or if I’m trying hard at all. It just seems that every time I try to ask people I know if I could eat with them, it’s like the look they give me makes me think that I’m not accepted around them.

I do really well in school and that’s one thing that I think makes people repel from me. Is there a curse or something that runs with nerds? I mean, I don’ even consider myself too smart or anything. And if I could trade smarts with friends, I guess I won’t. Friends would just fade, but with smarts, maybe I could make something out of myself. It’s a weird world…. I’m thinking. Okay, maybe it’s not my reputation that makes it hard for me to make friends… maybe it’s the way I look. Make-up less, hair in a bun, baggy clothes… yeah, I guess I’m not the most fashionable person you’d see.

I wonder how much I have to change myself just to climb the social ladder.

This thing is getting me depressed.

Besides, I should get ready to go outside; my sister wants to see Alvin and the Chipmunks.