Dwelling

Do I sound over dramatic?

I probably do.

I know that I don't have the most interesting life out there. Not that anybody's reading this anyway. This is for myself. Just for me, and even though people might read it, they wouldn't know me enough to judge me.

I'm still depressed.

But now, I have something to distract myself from. I'm memorizing my business lines for tomorrow's presentation. I hope I do well.

There I go again.

I hope.

Is that really the only thing I can do? Hope? Really... what would happen if I lose hope? I've read a story that said: if you lose hope, keep hoping anyway because you have nowhere else to go.

I probably should quote that... but I'm too lazy to. Disclaimer: that quote doesn't belong to me.

Anyway, I try to imagine myself without any hope. I think I would be a walking zombie. It's not like me to be so pessimistic and cynical. Have you ever had a time in your life where you try and try your best, you work hard, but not one of your efforts pay off? Well, that's how I'm feeling right now.

The thing that I hate most is when people tell me that I can't do something. Just like how my Dad assumed that I would get bad marks if I work. It was like he was telling me I couldn't handle two things at the same time. That's why there's so much pressure on my shoulders. I want to prove him wrong so badly! Really really badly! I try my best on all my school work, but since the year is already ending and I only have so much chances, luck and God aren't here with me.

I know, I know. God's probably taking care of the people in China and Myanmar.

I feel bad when I doubt my own religion. I feel like I'm not faithful enough. I'm probably not the most religious teenager you can find around here, but I try my best and it's so... there's not even a word for it. I just feel horrible when I doubt God. I know I shouldn't...

Really, why would things go bad now just when I need good stuff?

What's more ironic is that my teacher's been giving us harder and harder quizzes and tests. Great! Definitely what I need. I know that it's almost the year end, but what does that have to do with him changing the difficulty of his questions? I don't understand!

I'm stressed out. I don't know what to do. I already know that my marks are probably going to go down. And then my challenge would go down the drain.

And once again, I'd lose.

Worst times of my Life

Oh, I don't even know what's buried me! Two weeks ago, I was coasting along quietly, minding my own business when all of a sudden a ton of problems came crashing down from out of the blue. Okay, so maybe my problems would seem so little compared to what other people may have, but they're problems non the less, and they're stressing me out so badly. Sometimes I feel so depressed that I don't even want to get out of bed. And that's unusual; I mostly like waking up and getting up in the mornings.

Days are a drag. They really are.

I think it all started a last week when I received a whole shift for my work from 10: 30 to 6:30. My Dad began scolding me about how my work will interfere with my studies and my marks will go down. It gets me really pissed off when he just assumes things like that? Why would he even assume that my grades would go down? Doesn't he have enough faith in what I can do? I guess not. I don't think he believes in anything my sister and I do. Way to go... besides, I still blame him for making me send out my resumees in the first place. So technically, it was his fault that I have this job.

But what's more infuriating is the fact that times don't seem to go along with what I plan. I plan to study and work really really hard so that I would be able to achieve at least the same marks that I did last time, but it doesn't seem to work out that way. No matter how much I try to do better (especially in math) there would always be something to catch me off guard and pull me back down. I don't know what it is with my math teacher when he gives us test and quiz questions that I've never seen before. How am I supposed to know how to do that? It's so frustrating! I dropped 20% with my tests already, and I can't seem to be able to catch up. I just wrote my last quiz for the course today, and I didn't even seem to score a hundred. Do you think that asking for a perfect score is too much? Most people will think so, but I don't. Many people in my class can. Even if I get a hundred percent for my next test (which is impossible), I still wouldn't be able to have the same grade unless I score a perfect on my exam (which is again, impossible). Why do times need to be like this just when I need luck on my side?

Other things that came crashing down? Well, a business ISU and two new Careers project. I usually am able to get perfect on the Civics tests, but when I got to Careers, I've never had a perfect just yet. I don't want my average to go down with this subject as well, or else I'm permanently doomed. I don't want to be doomed! Nobody wants to be doomed! My business ISU is due tomorrow. I have to go memorize and practice my lines, and I really need to get at least a perfect on this project. It's a team project, and it really doesn't depend on me alone to achieve this goal. I wonder how my other team mates will do.

I don't have too much of a problem with Careers and Computers, but effort is still needed badly. I have to work so hard for all of this subjects, and what do I get? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Nothing for my hard work! Gosh... I'm overly depressed. Yeah, I know; I probably don't know the meaning of hard work yet, but as of right now... this is hard work. This is hard work for me, and I'm getting nothing back for my efforts. Ever know how that feels? It feels horrible. It feels like my stomach is going to spurt out of my mouth, along with my heart and my brains. I think I'm getting used to the feeling that I'm almost enjoying it. Of course, that would never happen. I would never enjoy disappointment. I try not to do that; I owe it to even myself.

Taking Flight

Heehee... the title's from Sarah Geronimo's album; I'm listening to one of her songs at the moment while I'm writing this. I'm in Canada but I still try to keep up with the things back in the Philippines.

Anyway, my work is alright now. Just like my other post, all it really took was a ray of sunshine; yesterday it was a very sunny day and good things happened. So, I'm not stressed out about work anymore. Maybe I have to worry about my school though. My business ISU is due in two and a half weeks, and my group and I have barely started. All the research is probably finished, but we need to put it all together.

What I really want to talk about this post is Fanfiction.net. Yay, things are starting to look up again in the G/V section. Not that it was at the bottom of the bottle, but it had seen better times before. Apparently I hadn't known of fanfiction yet when it was really at its peak.

Quite recently many authors in the G/V section (DBZ in general) have lacked the enthusiasm to continue their stories. This caused a major recession in stories, and even though I'm not probably the most active author there, I try to still continue my writing. I guess what I'm trying to get to is that I feel so frustrated when people stop writing because they feel as if nobody's going to read and review. I mean sure, reviews are a big deal (they are for me too) but ever tried writing for your own sake? If reviews were all that mattered, I wouldn't be in the position I am now. I am quite proud of my recent works, and I wouldn't be here if I had let all the flames of my earlier stories stop me. Trust me, flames are worst than people who don't review. I was a pretty bad writer, but now I'm better.

I think all the authors have shifted over to newer animes as well. I don't blame them for that, but all I'm saying is that just because other authors have lost interest, it doesn't mean that the rest of us should. You people know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, stop with all the negativity.

Today I found out that two of my fellow writer have started a forum and a DeviantArt group just for G/V. I'm so excited. I *love* forums. I love talking about nothing and something. My favorite? Introspective blather. Yup! The best topics are ones that make me think, are controversial, interesting, random, and just anything that isn't cliched. Of course cliche isn't too bad as well. Old classic topics that I love to participate in are things like, "If so and so are Disney characters, which movie would they be in?" Hehee... I love being random.

Yeah! I got to post "What You Will" as well. It's doing pretty well. I'm hoping for more reviews, but it's good. Now I will focus on "Sticks and Stones" once again. The new edited chapter is 3/4 done. There's a big scene at the end that I still need to write. Actually, it's a scene and a half.

So, I'm sure that nobody's reading this anyway. I don't if people read others' blogs, but I just like to keep track of the things that are happening in my life, whether be important or not.

Have a happy, happy, happy Mother's Day!

I Don't Know What To Do

So, last week I had the most fun weekend ever when I went to a school camping trip. I'll tell more about that later, because now I have something more important to talk about.

I just got a job. I don't know what I feel about it. In order to understand what I'm going through, I'll start from the very beginning:

This year, I told my parents that I wanted to get a summer job. Key word: summer. My father began rushing me to send in an application form or a resumee immediately because he said that getting a job usually takes a few months. I agree with him; I *do* think that it takes a few months. But, fortunately (or unfortunately), somebody had resigned in the shoe department at Sears, and it so happened that my Mom had connections there. So I got a job in a matter of weeks.

I talked with my supervisor that I could only work in the summer. She said she needed the help now, so I agreed. My father wasn't too pleased about that; he said that I will neglect my education and that I will, well, basically become a bad student. I had a talk with my supervisor again, and told her that I could only work on Friday's and the weekends and she agreed.

Guess what? I had my orientation yesterday, and she gave me my schedule; I'm working on weekdays as well. I was worried the heck out of my mind! I told my parents, and my Dad ranted on again about how I will not be able to focus on my lessons. True, but wasn't he the one who rushed me to get a job in the first place?

Now, I know that basically, it was all an incident- somebody resigning and all, but really! If I didn't send in a resumee, I wouldn't get the job. To be completely honest, I didn't even need the job at all; I just wanted to try it.

Since my Dad is basically pushing the fact that I will do poorly at school into my head, I decided that I would only keep the job until the end of the summer. At fall, when I start Grade 11, I would resign.

What does my Mom do? She becomes upset! She said that she will be very embarrassed with her co-worker who was one of the connections who helped me get the job. It will be very embarrassing for her!

So what do I do? I have no idea right now.

If I keep the job, my Dad will nag me that I can't be the best student that I can be.

If I don't keep the job, my Mom will be upset.

If I keep the job, I will have to balance school and work together, and I'm not sure if I can.

If I don't keep the job, I won't get paid and earn money, since I won't be receiving child benefit anymore.

Really, what should I do?

How should I even feel?

I'm stuck...