Dwelling

Do I sound over dramatic?

I probably do.

I know that I don't have the most interesting life out there. Not that anybody's reading this anyway. This is for myself. Just for me, and even though people might read it, they wouldn't know me enough to judge me.

I'm still depressed.

But now, I have something to distract myself from. I'm memorizing my business lines for tomorrow's presentation. I hope I do well.

There I go again.

I hope.

Is that really the only thing I can do? Hope? Really... what would happen if I lose hope? I've read a story that said: if you lose hope, keep hoping anyway because you have nowhere else to go.

I probably should quote that... but I'm too lazy to. Disclaimer: that quote doesn't belong to me.

Anyway, I try to imagine myself without any hope. I think I would be a walking zombie. It's not like me to be so pessimistic and cynical. Have you ever had a time in your life where you try and try your best, you work hard, but not one of your efforts pay off? Well, that's how I'm feeling right now.

The thing that I hate most is when people tell me that I can't do something. Just like how my Dad assumed that I would get bad marks if I work. It was like he was telling me I couldn't handle two things at the same time. That's why there's so much pressure on my shoulders. I want to prove him wrong so badly! Really really badly! I try my best on all my school work, but since the year is already ending and I only have so much chances, luck and God aren't here with me.

I know, I know. God's probably taking care of the people in China and Myanmar.

I feel bad when I doubt my own religion. I feel like I'm not faithful enough. I'm probably not the most religious teenager you can find around here, but I try my best and it's so... there's not even a word for it. I just feel horrible when I doubt God. I know I shouldn't...

Really, why would things go bad now just when I need good stuff?

What's more ironic is that my teacher's been giving us harder and harder quizzes and tests. Great! Definitely what I need. I know that it's almost the year end, but what does that have to do with him changing the difficulty of his questions? I don't understand!

I'm stressed out. I don't know what to do. I already know that my marks are probably going to go down. And then my challenge would go down the drain.

And once again, I'd lose.